creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
The Friend Collector
From time to time I go through my Facebook friend list and perform what I call ‘spring cleaning’. The fake profiles of bikini clad girls I drunkly accepted, the distant high school buddies who posted endless articles from the alt-right and far left blogospheres, and those whom I cant even remember adding in the first place all get unfriended en-mass. No ceremony, no last profile views, just one little click and they are gone.The feeling that accompanies their removal is on par with the surge of contentment you get when you de-clutter a cramped room. Jake Lemon was in that latter category of random adds gone unremembered. When I saw him on that list their was no vague recollection, or a ‘that face looks familiar’. As far as I could recall I had never seen either his name or that face before. His profile image wasn’t a casual selfie, or even a picture with family or friends, instead it looked like a studio portrait, the kind with fake backdrops and excessive lighting. He looked to be in his 20s or early 30s and had short dirty blonde hair combed to the side. His eyes were like the eyes of someone who had stayed up a week but was still amped on way too much caffeine. His toothy smile was even more offputting. It was unnaturally big with a touch of desperation. If someone put a gun to your head and said ‘smile wide or I’ll shoot’, you would probably be smiling like Jake Lemon. I didn’t have to think too long or hard. I clicked that damn unfriend button in record time and felt much relieved when his unnatural nervous-energy brimming face disappeared from my list of friends. Obviously if that was that then I wouldn’t even remember the name Jake Lemon today. That wasn’t that. A week passed and I was mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed the day the figurative snowball started rolling down the hill, careening toward me. It began like far too many real life horror stories do, with an instant message. My phone alerted me I had a new chat request from Jake Lemon. The name I had already forgotten, but when I looked at the chat screen and saw that ghastly profile picture with exaggerated forced smile my stomach warbled just a little. Jake Lemon: Hi! Since messenger is a tattle-tell about when a message is seen, I knew that he knew I had seen what he had sent to me. I sighed and slight trepidation I responded. Kevin Bilcher: Hello Jake Lemon: I never got a chance to say hello! Then I saw you unfriended me �� Jake Lemon: Did I do something wrong? The question sort of put me on the spot. While initially I zeroed in on his name to unfriend because I didn’t recognize it, it was the creeped out feeling that I got looking at his face that made it such a relief to be rid of him. I couldn’t say that though. I didn’t even know the guy and owed him no explanation. Kevin Bilcher: Nah not at all man youre good. I just dont know you is all and I was going through my list anyway. Not personal. Jake Lemon: Thats great to know �� ! I got a notification no more than three seconds after he sent that last message. Now, I don’t check instantly each time I get one, I have a real life and try not to get too wrapped up in Facebook, but the second the notification appeared I instinctively knew what it was, and I was right. ‘New friend request from Jake Lemon.’ I looked at the screen a bit unsure what to do. I know that sounds ridiculous, the right thing to do would’ve been to deny it and block his chat right there but a part of me felt that doing that would’ve been rude now that he had messaged. Sort of like saying, ‘I don’t like you or think you are worth knowing’ to someone’s face…well, not quite that blunt but the same ballpark. He messaged again. Jake Lemon: I sent you friend request since now we know eachother. I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds :/ Kevin Bilcher: Nah, its cool man Jake Lemon: ❤ ❤ <3!!!! I am so glad you feel that way. Friends make the world go round you know �� I was getting some serious creep vibes but I also felt a little bad for him. He was obviously very strange and I imagined he didn’t have many real friends. A judgmental conclusion? Sure but from even this short and awkward back and forth I felt it was probably the right one. If throwing him a bone and accepting his request gave him some contentment it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we were facebook friends. Kevin Bilcher: Cool. I gotta go Jake. Work. Nice to meet you though Jake Lemon: Nice to meet you Kevin. TTYL �� �� �� I was relieved to be done with the forced conversation, and those emoji’s only heightened the unnerving feeling that chat gave but I still felt some strange obligation. I cycled back to the friend request screen and re-accepted Jake Lemon as a friend. You’re probably thinking this was a big mmistake. You wouldn’t be wrong. Like I said earlier, I am not one of those types who live on Facebook and when I want to message a friend, I do it through old fashioned SMS texting. I pretty much only had the Messenger app because my girlfriend Dottie (don’t ask) preferred it for sending me pics, videos and a world of stupid animal memes that were supposed to make me go ‘aww,’ but really only made me groan. So the next day when I found out she was cheating on me I had no desire to read her litany of apologies or tearful pleading. I disabled the app. I won’t go into that story, I owe her a little bit of respect. I maintained my strength of will for seven days, which really is a feat considering the fact that I am pathetic. Eventually though my resolve broke. I didn’t want to call. I wasn’t ready to hear her voice just yet, but a message would work. I re-enabled the app and saw that I had several missed messages from two friends. One was Dottie Strauss, the other was from Jake Lemon (shudder). I ignored his and opened Dottie’s chat window. I won’t bore you with superfluous details, suffice to say she groveled hard and I was likely beyond transparent in playing it cool. We were to meet the next night and I told her I would have to ‘take it one day at a time’. After I finished talking with her I opened up the other dialogue. The string of messages made me very uncomfortable. Jake Lemon: Hi! RECEIVED SEVEN DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: Hello! RECEIVED SEVEN DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: Hi! RECEIVED SIX DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: What are you doing ❤ RECEIVED FIVE DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: Are you mad at me �� RECEIVED FOUR DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: Hi Kevin!!! RECEIVED THREE DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: I just baked a cake, I dedicate it to all my friends who cant eat it with me anymore RECEIVED TWO DAYS AGO Jake Lemon: Where’d you go Kevin? I thought we were friends?? RECEIVED YESTERDAY Jake Lemon: It appears that maybe you didn’t really mean it when you said we could be best friends